At Douchebags.com, we flush the bacteria, parasites and accumulated scum out into the bright, refreshing light of public scrutiny. The term "douchebag" needs no formal explanation - you know one when you see one. The term is experiencing somewhat of a revival these days and we are pleased to do our part in pushing this delightful word back into the American lexicon.
Ocean Township, New Jersey police officer Sonia Henriquez is two months pregnant. And like pretty much every other pregnant mother out there, she wants to do everything to make sure her pregnancy goes without a hitch – like eating right, taking prenatal vitamins, NOT GETTING SHOT. But town officials aren’t as caring. Seems Officer Henriques (who, by the way, was awarded a medal of valor in December for persuading a person who was holding a loaded gun at her to surrender) requested light duty due to her pregnancy and was denied by township officials. Police Chief Antonio Amodio Jr. told the Asbury Park Press that he was following township policy when he told Officer Henriques that she had to stay on patrol or take an unpaid leave of absence. Hopefully Officer Henriquez has a good lawyer who will spank these douchebags silly.
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Accused of treating her bailiff like a “houseboy,” Judge Elizabeth Halverson is today’s Douchebag of the Day! In addition to such douchey behavior as forcing her bailiff to massage her back, put her shoes on her feet, and cover her with a blanket for a nap, Judge Halverson also hired her own bodyguards because she allegedly didn’t trust the court’s guards. This douche has since been brought up on judicial-misconduct charges that include not only misusing her position and treating her staff like personal valets, but also tainting juries and falling asleep on the bench. Brilliant.
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There are many levels of douchebagotry. Moorestown, NJ police officer Robert Melia, Jr. has reached the highest echelon. In addition to recently being charged with three counts of aggravated sexual assault and one count of criminal sexual contact with three girls (along with his douchebag girlfriend), Melia has had even more charges filed against him. Want to know what for? Brace yourselves … here we go … four counts of animal cruelty after allegedly ENGAGING IN SEX ACTS WITH COWS between June and December 2006. WTF people. At what point does one start thinking, “you know, that heifer is really hot?!?!?!?!?”
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A giant cloud of thousands of bees mysteriously appeared and began to swirl in a “tornado pattern” around a Central Florida Mexican restaurant, according Local 6 news. OMG! That is my nightmare come to life. Customers at Oxie’s restaurant located near Highway 17-92 and Plymouth Avenue in DeLand said they noticed a cloud in the sky and thought it was raining. They then realized, the cloud was a swarm of bees. Witnesses said the bees began to swirl like a tornado and menace customers Thursday. “I looked and it was like a tornado of bees just all around our parking lot, swarming,” said restaurant worker Marie Olson.
Die bees!
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Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. WHAAAAT?!?!?!?
According to Reuters, reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur.
Rumours of penis theft began circulating last week in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo’s sprawling capital of some 8 million inhabitants. They quickly dominated radio call-in shows, with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings.
Well, all I have to say is you have to be a pretty big douchebag to summon your sorceror’s powers to shrink someone’s penis!
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We always thought clowns were evil. Turns out we’re right - at least in one case. According to Long Island newspaper Newsday, Alexander Zacarias of Westbury, New York, who moonlighted as a children’s party clown was arrested Wednesday on charges of possessing and promoting child pornography. While police said there was no evidence that Zacarias had abused or photographed any children himself, we here at Douchebags.com think he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. A super-douchbag indeed.
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